Animal Rights
or (Goats in Tights)
5/25/02  .....Randy
(Audio Version)

When in the Course of animal events, it becomes necessary for one critter to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of beasts requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all critters are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among animals, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --

There it is that "rights" thing! What are rights and where do they come from? Do beasts of the field, water and air have the same rights as mankind? Well! If there are any goats out there who would like to speak up, I'll listen. I haven't heard any goats of late complaining about the Victoria's Secret lingerie wanna-be cowboys been forcing them to wear. Hey maybe they're happy to get out of the rut of gnawing on tin cans. I don't know, none of them have spoken up to the news at 11.

Well if the goats won't speak up perhaps maybe a sheep will. Those poor sheep have been the victims of children under the age of 8 participating in Mutton Busting! Or is it the other way around?

Perhaps this sheep is whispering something in rider 414's ear but it has yet to say anything to the media to make a case in violation of it's rights. Perhaps it should! Gather the herd Marabelle, get the chickens to rip the pickets off the fence, the cattle can print posters and march on Washington! Moooove over humans we'uns gots fleas, ticks and parasites, you think your rights are violated. Ha! Dem fleas, ticks and parasites gots rights too! Dey picketing my skin right now! Owwwww! NO JUSTICE NO FLEECE! NO JUSTICE NO FLEECE!

When my dog speaks up and says; "Dude! I'm tired of toilet water! Can you get me some Avian." I'll consider respecting that dogs have rights, but when Spot starts lapping up water from the porcelain throne because I forgot to put the lid down. I have the RIGHT to kick him out of the house! If Spot wants to pay his share of the rent then damn it he can drink all the toilet water he wants. Until then Spot seems reasonably happy to see me every day, he's such a good little fella.

Ok I'm an ogre, a mean and cruel example of man, but dogone it I like a New York steak, a freshly boiled lobster, hamburger, hotdogs and all kinds of animal by-products. YUMMY!  Shoot that cow in the head, hang it on a hook, slit it's throat, rip it's intestines out and cut me a slice of filet .... whooo hoo! Barbecue! NO FAT, NO GREASE! NO FAT, NO GREASE!

Spot likes it too! Seriously though before you go assigning rights to animals, how about we recognize that we humans have rights. Rights not assigned to us, but inherant, self-evident and natural.... no one gives us rights we demand them, we struggle for them, we defend them sometimes with our lives. Yes animals are natural too and if they can assert their rights ( if they have any) bring it on!   If we can reason together I have no probelm recognizing that Spot has equal rights, but if he craps in my yard I'll sue him for his doghouse and Lexus.

In the mean time since animals do NOT have rights, I'll treat them with the respect they deserve. A little salt, ketchup and perhaps a pickle.